Saturday, January 29, 2005


I just saw "Scent of a Woman." I totally identified with the Al Pacino character in that film. Even to the handicap. That's right, I'm handicapped. I'm old. Think about it, what would you rather be, blind or old?

The problem is, people see me as old but I feel young as hell. My sex drive is as great or greater than when I was a young man. Deprivation may have something to do with that.

Anyway, I finally decided to do something about it. This is an email I sent to a friend:

Sent: Tuesday, May 18, 2004 3:30 PM

Subject: My Trip to Thailand.

"How many did you nail?"

That was the first question I was asked when I returned from thirty days in Bangkok. I guess it was a fair question considering the reputation Bangkok has, but I didn't answer. I will answer now if you're interested, but you'll have to wade through a long story to find out.

I went there with honorable intentions. I was looking for a lifemate. I had her profile all worked out: 50ish, slim but at least a trace of a butt, educated, English speaking, good natured, sexual. Just your ordinary Asian fifty year old. I even had it worked out where to look. Department stores, public transport, the Thai-American Association (there is none).

But as long as I was there it would be foolish not to look around. You know, gathering material. So my second night there I went to a sex club.

As soon as I entered, there, across the room, I saw one of those Thai Jungle Girls. I had forgotten all about them. Remember, in The Bridge Over the River Kwai, they had those little brown Thai Jungle Girls carrying the supplies of the strike team? That was one of the sexiest groups of girls ever. And there, across the room was one of them: a genuine Thai Jungle Girl!

I was still standing just inside the door when Mamasan came up. "You come in," she said. "You see girls."

My mind was made up. "I want that one," I said, pointing at my Thai Jungle Girl.

"You come in," she said again, pulling me after her. "You see girls." She dragged me around the corner of the entryway.

The ladies were on a grandstand against the wall. It was three rows high. The seats were sofas and stuffed chairs. The grandstand was packed with about forty girls and women ranging from pretty to breathtaking but they all looked civilized, not one brown skinned Thai Jungle Girl among them. You ever have your appetite set for one thing and it's all you can think about?

"You like?" Mamasan asked.

All the ladies were preening, pretending they were attracted to me.

"Very nice," I said, "but I want that one." I pointed to the Jungle Girl. She beamed a smile at me and blushed, knowing full well what I was saying.

"No, no," Mamasan said. "She no do that. She village girl. She waitress here. Waitress, no more. She no do that."

"Come on," I argued, "everyone does that. Is it a matter of price? How much?"

I got a shock. "No price!" Mamasan said. "She village girl. She never talk to foreigner. You scare her."

Foreigner! Who the hell is she calling a foreigner? I'm not a foreigner! I'm an American! And besides, the Jungle Girl looked anything but scared. She was flagrantly flirting with me.

Mamasan tugged at my sleeve. "You look over here," she said. "You pick one you like." There was a bar with no seats at the other end of the club. In between that and the grandstand were a couple of dozen tables, each with a love seat. It was early evening and I was the only customer in the place.

"Can I get a beer?" I asked.

"Sure. You sit down. You drink beer. You look at girls. Pick one you like."

The Jungle Girl brought me my beer and crouched alongside me, holding my hand, for the next half hour. She spoke no English and I no Thai, but one hell of a lot of bonding went on right then and there. She laughed and pushed my hand away when I tried to feel her butt.

She came to my hotel the next noon and we spent the rest of my time in Bangkok together.

So how many did I nail in thirty days in the sex capital of the world? One. And so much for my plans and profiles.

But on the plus side, I'm going back there next month to stay. After all, how often do you get a Thai Jungle Girl?


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