Friday, November 10, 2006


I am just reading in an article in the Guru, a weekly magazine put out by The Bangkok Post, that they have just opened a “ladies only” bar here in Bangkok called Zeta. The author, a Karen Rocznik (what kind of subversive name is that?), wrote that one of the pleasures of going there was to escape being, “groped by one of Bangkok’s undesirables.”

Well, being one of Bangkok’s undesirables, I am outraged! What the hell did I come to Bangkok for if not the freedom to grope? That is man’s inalienable right! Just as the Puritans went to the new World for freedom of religion, I came to Bangkok for freedom to grope. And now they have bars to hide away in? That is against the laws of nature!

Besides, women love to be groped, especially by us guys who are three times their age and twice their weight. That is a scientific fact! You can check with Borat.

I would go on a groping expedition to crash that bar a straighten things out but the girl at the door would beat me up before I got in.

Seriously though, there is a lot in the article that surprised me. Bangkok seemed to me to be the most tolerant place in the world for confused sexual orientation. Yet the author of the article wrote, “Just years ago Thailand officially labeled homosexuality a mental illness.”

But I see a lot of it around me. There is a club just down the road from me called The Golden Dome that features an all “girly-boy” revue. It seems to do great business.

I took my friend, Alvin Duskin, to a top restaurant here in which our “waitress” was one of the two transvestites they employ (among dozens of other waiters and waitresses).

I have always thought, perhaps erroneously, that Bangkok was a hub for Western lesbians. Maybe that was because they reacted so negatively when I groped them.

(For those of you confused, I have switched back into humor again. But maybe if I have to identify it, it’s not humor.)

The perfect solution to these “ladies only” bars would be a bar that catered to “Bangkok’s undesirables” like me. I would open one up but, unfortunately, there seem to be thousands here already.


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