Like this is something I found in my old notes. I don't think I wrote it.
Do you love me
Or do you not?
You told me once
But I forgot.
Phil Harris (Perhaps paraphrased): I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Lenny Bruce: Every religious leader who owns more than one suit is a con man.
Dan Rather (paraphrased): It doesn't matter if the memos are fake. The facts in them are true.
Jonah Goldberg: It only is ----- THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD! (Referring to memogate.)
Jonah Goldberg: I want to hug it and squeeze it and name it George. (referring to the memogate story.)
Jonah Goldberg: ...Rather shot himself in the foot and kept holding down the trigger as he worked his way up his body.
Steve Martin (paraphrased): Why does everything have to be about you? "Help me! Put me out! I'm on fire!" (When his girl friend's hair burst into flames.)
Walter Guest: Everything I write here is absolutely, totally, 100% true. Except for the stuff that isn't.
Dennis Miller: To call them scum bags is to insult bags filled with scum. (I think he was talking about the French.)
John Kerry (when asked if he would have invaded Iraq as Bush did):
I absolutely might have.
Unknown: Offscreen, Zeppo was the funniest Marx brother.
Mark Twain: Wagner's music is much better than it sounds.
Now I take liberties.
Walter Guest: William Faulkner's novels are much better than they read.
Walter Guest: The Three Stooges were much funnier than they appeared on screen.